Tacky with a Capital K

Images from itsnotworkitsgardening.com

On the long list of national problems it probably doesn’t rate a spot, yet it is shocking: SOMEONE IS SPRAY-PAINTING SUCCULENTS AND CACTI! And, not only that, they’re selling these atrocities at the biggest of the big box hardware stores, Home Depot. I was first made aware of the madness by a post on Dustin Gimbel’s non-secateur blog (click), but a search engine query found others sharing his concern (click here for a blog in St. Louis, MO). Marketed as KOSMIK KAKTUS, their on-site branding label describes them as, “Boldly going where no plant has gone before … A new lineup of cacti with out-of-this-world color. Easy to care for with just a sunny window and a light drink every few weeks. New spines emerge as a glistening white or golden yellow.” I agree with one thing, those colors are not of this world; no natural succulent every sported such flat, clunky hues. I checked my local Home Depot for KKs but came up empty, instead I found only those sad denizens of garden shops, the grafted cactus. Though just as silly-looking with their deflated neon Pope hats, they don’t seem as egregious somehow. Frustrated, I thought I’d check for KKs next at Lowe’s. Their garden shop was bereft of the monstrosities, true, but they’re no friend to succulents and cacti, either …

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Top nots!

… while searching their shelves of succulents I was amazed that so many of their tinier specimens were in bloom … and dissimilar varieties seemed to have the exact same blooms; same sizes, same colors, same everything. A close inspection betrayed the secret to their uniformity: SOMEONE HAD HOT-GLUED FLOWERS TO THEM! Again, this isn’t a big deal as deals go, yet there appears to be a network of propagators out there growing succulents and cacti expressly so they can be mistreated … Are people buying these things? Is there a demand for living plants that appear to be plastic? Does this mean that the era of pasting googly-eyes to cactus is finally over? As anyone who spends any time online already knows, the good ol’ U.S. of A. may be lacking in some respects but tastelessness is not one of them. Which leads me back to those horrid KOSMIK KAKTUS … Who would be so tacky and taste-impaired as to market spray-painted succulents under a brand name with so many Ks? I’m pointing at you, KARDASHIANS!

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P A L A T E   C L E A N S E R

You may recognize this arrangement from a recent post (click here). When I planted this little cactus in this vessel I had no idea it would bloom so colorfully and spectacularly; I’m in love with its bright orange trumpets!

The real thing!